Is Your Child Afraid? 10 Steps to Overcoming Childhood Fears

Is Your Child Afraid? 10 Steps to Overcoming Childhood Fears

How many children do you know that have crippling fears?

Maybe fears of the water, or maybe fears of an animal or of the dark?

Everybody has fears. And not everybody knows how to face and overcome their own fears. Children especially often struggle with knowing how to face and overcome their fears.

I am going to start off with the clear-cut list of 10 simple steps to helping a child overcome her fears. Then I will go into more detail as to how this method has worked for our family.

In this 10-step example, we use a fear of the dark as our example. But this method can be used for any fear, with minor modifications.

Read the whole article to see how we helped our son overcome his (almost crippling) fear of the water with the same method.

Stay tuned!

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10 Simple Steps to Overcoming Fear

1. Identify your child’s fear
2. Talk to your child about her fear. Ask her if she wants this fear to go away so she doesn’t have to be afraid anymore.
3. Encounter her fear. Stay with her so she feels your strength and comfort.
4. Stay with her for a time.
5. After a bit, you and she leave the source of her fear together. Reassure her that she is safe and she is loved.
6. Another day (ideally the next day, or as soon as possible) you and she encounter her fear again. This time leave her there without you (MAKE SURE SHE IS SAFE FIRST!)
7. Set a timer. (30 seconds, 1 minute – something short) Tell her you will be back as soon as the timer goes off.
8. Stay close so she knows she’s still safe and loved, but she is facing her fear alone.
9. When the timer goes off, go back and reassure her.
10. Repeat steps 8-9 with a slightly longer timer duration. Increase the timer a little bit every day.

My Son Is Afraid Of Water (and what we did to help)

The following is a true story about my eldest son, Spencer.

In hindsight, it’s a rather funny story. At the time though, it was definitely less than funny.

Once upon a time, there was a boy named Spencer.

Spencer was 7 years old and was TERRIFIED of water. Not even kidding, guys. Spencer was afraid to even take a shower.

Spencer has been afraid of water for as long as I can remember. Giving this kid a bath was always a fight.

When he got old enough to shower on his own, I thought things would get better. At least now he was in control of the water flowing over his head.

I was wrong.

The good news is, I no longer had a toddler who screamed during bath time (no matter how gentle and understanding I was)

This time, I had a big kid who was always greasy and stinky, even though he ‘took showers’ regularly.

The only way this kid would get clean was when Ben or myself would go in and supervise his showers (which always resulted in screaming fits because we were ‘making him get wet’) (insert facepalm here)

But Spencer was getting much too old to have his parents supervise his showers. At 7-years-old, it was high time to get this kid to shower correctly all on his own.

How do you teach a child to shower who is afraid of getting his face wet?

By helping him to conquer his fear, once and for all.

How We Helped Our Son Overcome His Fears

When Ben realized just how bad Spencer’s fear had gotten, he wrote the book “Brave” for Spencer to read.

Ben and Spencer read the book together several times before Spencer decided he was capable of conquering his fear.

Spencer watched the story of the scared boy in the book unfold. He watched as the boy in the book overcame his fears, little by little, using a simple, step-by-step process.

And Spencer decided maybe overcoming his fears wasn’t as impossible as he thought.

The book is what gave Spencer the courage to be brave.

And after Spencer decided he could overcome his fears, he decided that he would.

Working To Overcome His Fears

So every day, Ben would watch and work with Spencer while Spencer worked on accomplishing a list of goals. One goal at a time, a new goal or two every day.

Goal number one – dip his head in the flowing water and pull it out really really fast. This one was decently easy, as he’d been doing this to half-cheek-sneak his showers for ages.

Goal number two – dip his head in the flowing water and hold it there for a few seconds before pulling it out. This one was trickier, but Spencer did it.

And so on, until finally, Spencer could stand with his head under the water for 5 or more minutes.

Now it was time to get his face wet.

This part was a little bit harder.

Spencer was again overcome by his crippling fear of getting his face wet.

But Ben and Spencer had another chat. (They had had several chats about this same topic up to this point, but when you are working on overcoming a fear, more than one pep-talk is always a good idea)

Ben asked Spencer if he wanted to get over his fear of the water. They read the book “Brave” again. Even though at this point in time, the character in the book had a different name, Spencer really identified with the character.

Just by reading the book, Spencer felt brave enough to keep facing his fears.

He was ready to try again.

So they tried again.

This time Spencer was able to dip his face in the water and then rip it out really really fast.

He was so proud of himself!

Ben and I went on and on about how proud of him we were. And we were! This was a really big deal for Spencer, and we were very proud of him for facing his fear up to this point.

Spencer was ready to get out at this point, happy with a job well done. But Ben encouraged him to keep going.

You can’t conquer a fear if you don’t keep progressing in what you are able to do.

So Spencer put his face in the water again, this time for just a little bit longer. And he did it!

Over the course of the next few days, Spencer went from barely dipping his face in the water to being able to stand directly under the showerhead, with water splashing over his face, for the full duration of a proper shower.

Well done Spencer!

Spencer was so proud of himself for not only facing his fear but conquering it.

It took a lot of work and a lot of bravery. But bravery is not the absence of fear. Bravery is acting in spite of the fear.

Spencer was brave, and he faced his fear of water, completely overcoming it.

How to help your child overcome her fears

This same method can be used to overcome any fear your child may have.

Let’s take being afraid of the dark as an example, because that is such a common fear in children.

If your child is afraid of the dark and wants to be able to face her fear, you can help it to be less traumatizing for her.

Some people use night lights. Other people use creative solutions such as monster spray.

These are great short-term solutions (especially for the youngest of children). But they are not ideal long-term solutions.

Night lights and monster sprays will not always be available. Your child needs to be able to understand this and be willing to work without them.

The 10-Step Method In Action

The first night, go into the room with your child and turn the light all the way off.

Show her there is nothing to be afraid of. Sit with her for the duration of a 10-minute timer.

After the timer goes off, go back to using the method you’ve been using up to this point. Be it night lights or monster spray or something else.

Help her face her fears, little by little

The next night, have your child sit in the room in the dark by herself. Sit outside the door and talk to her, reassuring her that you are there and that everything is all right.

When the timer goes off, praise her for a job well done.

The next night, extend the timer by just a little bit.

And then a little bit more, and a little bit more.

Keep extending her timer by a little bit every night until finally, she is falling asleep before the timer goes off.

The next morning, point out that she slept in the dark all by herself and tell her how proud of her you are.

It will take time and patience, but any child can conquer any fear.

Victory!

Eventually, she will be able to encounter the source of her fear indefinitely and without you there.

For some kids, this takes a few days or a week. For other kids, this takes several weeks or months. But as long as she is progressing every day, you are on the right track!

Celebrate with your child! She has done something a lot of adults are still not capable of doing! She should be proud of herself! Way to go!

And remember to check out our Victorious Kids book, Brave. This book offers a great example of a little boy who overcomes his fears.

Brave was written to be read to children to encourage them to overcome their fears. I hope this book is able to help a child you know to feel brave.

Not sure what Victorious Kids are? Read our Victorious Kids backstory here!

Is Your Child Afraid? 10 Steps to Overcoming Childhood Fears